The Rules of Living in Rocky Top Tennessee. Those who live there will understand...

1. Never, and we mean NEVER plan a wedding for a weekend when UT plays football. That is what open dates are for.

    2. You must learn to pronounce the city name correctly. It is NOX-VULL.

    3. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Knoxville has its own  version of traffic rules....the Trans-Am with the loudest exhaust goes  next at a 4-way      stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that...

    4. All directions start with, "Go down to Kingston Pike"... which is the  Alpha and Omega. The beginning and the end.

    5. Henley Street turns into Chapman Highway and may also be called  Highway 441. Broadway turns intoMaynardville Highway and may also be called Highway 33. Cumberland Avenue turns into Kingston Pike and may also be called Highway 70. Magnolia Avenue turns into Asheville Highway and may also be called Highway 11E.

    6. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is  from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

    7. If you stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out,  and possibly shot.

    8. Construction on I-40 / 75 is a permanent fixture of Knoxville life.  The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the next days driving a bit more exciting.

    9. Do not slow down on I-640 when you get close to the Western Avenue overpass. The Knoxville Police Dept parks empty police cars strategically around town. If you are drinking a beer or eating a donut throw it at
the empty police car as you pass.

    10. If someone actually has their turn signal on wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated".

    11. Local traffic reports and Knoxville natives will often refer to the Pellissippi Parkway. You will however, find no road signs marked as such.

    Pellissippi Parkway is actually Interstate 140, but don't refer to it as  that when talking to locals because they will have no idea what you are talking about.

    12. The minimum acceptable speed on the Pellisippi Parkway is 85.  Anything less is considered downright sissy.

    13. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

    14. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Dogwood Arts Festival is going on.

    15. Any and all shopping should be done in West Knoxville. The  Metropolitan Planning commission in conjunction with experts in urban sprawl, have paved every piece of usable property between UT and the
Loudon County line. All shopping should be done in the large homogenized,  box type structures erected there.

    16. Knoxville Center Mall is actually in East Knoxville. West Town Mall  is just to the east of Downtown West.

    17. Halls has IT. (IT apparently refers to the highest number of Baptist churches per person.)

    *****18. No one who lives in the town of Farragut is actually from East  Tennessee or even the South. Admiral Farragut was a Union Soldier. Yep , they're all Yankees.*****

    19. It is better to stay off the roads on Saturdays in the fall, as 3 out of 4 drivers have had way too much Jack Daniels at the ballgame and the fourth driver is a cop.

    20. There is nothing up in the Sunsphere. Don't try to go up there.

    21. It is a good and honorable thing to work on a mobile home sales lot.

    22. Yeah the mountains are pretty, but how 'bout them Outlet Malls!

    23. Don't ask anyone about Oak Ridge. Two headed deer and three eyed Carp  do appear naturally in the wild.

    24. Never point and laugh at anything painted Orange, no matter how  bizarre or tasteless, unless you want to get your butt kicked.

    25. It's pronounced "NEEland" Stadium.

    26. The Chamber of Commerce says parking after dark in the Old City should be "pretty safe".

    27. In order to run for any political office in Knoxville or Knox County you can have no more than a 5th grade education and you must mispronounce at least every other word. (See Mary Lou Horner).

    28. If you see a really interesting old building in Knoxville there is no doubt a plan to tear it down.

    29. The two tallest buildings in Knoxville and the 1982 World's Fair  were built by two brothers who promptly filed bankruptcy and went to prison for bank fraud. If your last name happens to be Butcher you might want
to be careful.